Dec. 14, 2017

My mothers 104th birthday had she lived. Like my father she reached 89 and one month. In this 70ith year which ends tomorrow when I become 71 I have done pretty much all the behaviors I wanted to correct or at least really shift. And that’s not happened but around the edges and inconsistently. And what is there but to try again. In self defense to self the recovery from bypass surgery after a heart attack last year and a failed stent has been way more complicated then I thought and two things manifest. I have the most loving support and aggressive gate keeper and health option supporter in my husband that I’ve ever seen. My great good – and God knows unearned luck. And I have greatly competent care but maybe not the human “how’s a bout answering some of these troubling questions” before its back to well if it escalates to x and y get to an emergency room. Possibly that’s asking too much but it doesn’t feel that way.

It’s taken a year just to figure out how to live with bypass and angina – and when the angina is active – and winter seems to bring that on – then its a cloud you walk beneath, a shadow that dogs. Others are walking that same walk more intensely I know. It’s the trade off. The inviteable curse and gift too because it keeps you tracking the time – of aging. If your still here at 71 and 364 days you are probably – maybe 50 percent dealing with physical losse you never thought about a decade ago.

So what do Iwant starting tomorrow.
Less noise
Less addiction to our national nightmare
A time each day to write
A schedule I adhere to where I don’t stay up til 2 because its quiet and everyone I love is safely in bed in bed – safe – and it seems a suspension of time out. All illusion but addictive
A schedule where I get up at the same time and go to bed at the same time within an hour on each end
A time each day to explore meditating
A shift of the rooms in the house so we can explore whether we stay or move
A hard attempt at speaking more positive. Essential since the national nightmare goes on and on and the erosion to any sense of peace dictates we all make conscious decisions in the moment to look for any up – any up visible and speak to that.
That I act kinder and recall my permission to self to say what I’m thinking each and every time.
That I stop several times a day and “look”
Ok that’s today